first off, i've decided to stop being a bitch and deleting this journal
emocore_stars is gonna be happy to hear that.
second of all, i don't know why i'm posting here but it seemed all too appropriate. so here goes.
have you ever watched a movie that brought to surface eerie flashbacks? brought to surface the many lessons that you've learnt? i watched a movie tonight that did that. the movie was Traffic and the character was Caroline. straight A student with the seemingly perfect family and story who's a junkie. anything for the next high. i saw what she turned into and where she was heading. letting all those men do what they wanted for the next high. anything and everything for more drugs.
and i couldn't help but break down, right there in front of my brother. it was uncontrollable but god, so good. i saw myself right there in her large, vacant eyes as she lost herself again in the heroin. my brother sadly didn't understand but i think he knows now. but he didn't say anything. i saw where i could have gone .. what i'd been stopped from doing... i've seen people get high, get stoned and just completely fucking off their rockers. seen my friends go down the road and never live to tell their tales. yet somehow it still never hit me what i was doing.. where i was going.
ever since i was 13 i had turned my life into a hell of sex, drugs, alcohol and abuse. anything for the next thrill, watching it all fall away and not caring. i don't know how far i would have gone and god, i have never before in my life been so grateful for the fact that i never will.
i'm not that 16 year old mumbling with 'friends' over a glass table doing lines anymore. and i won't be the 18 year old sitting around enjoying another needle. and never will the day come where i am a 23 year old bent over a bong.
maybe i've been completely ungrateful and needed this harsh slap across my face to realise how valuable Dave has been to my life. i can sit here and draw out an asshole of him. wail about how his decision hurt me. how he broke my heart and my trust. we all make decisions in our lives that effects others and ultimately hurts someone. but i cannot and will never deny that Dave showed me things i needed to be shown. taught me things that i will never forget. and loved me tender in a way no one ever has or ever will. even when we were apart, when he told me it was over he was still doggedly there for me through it all. i could talk to him, cry silently without him ignoring me. he still wanted to be friends and tried his best to help me. i'm not excusing the fact that at times he can be mean and overbearing, but who am i kidding? he's not ghandi and i'm a psychotic bitch at times as well.
he's been there for me through that horrible year of substance abuse where he was all i had and i put him through hell yet he was still there. coaxing me, believing in me and letting me know that he loved me through it. would i have been able to get through all my drug abuse problems without him? i highly doubt it because nobody else really did give a fuck about me. would have i stopped letting men use my body and have no regard for me and my feelings. the answer sadly is no. you reach a point in your life of no return which terrifies me now, but back then i wanted to head there .. because there was nothing else.
i sit here and cry thinking about what we have been through and how much i hurt because of all of it, but the bottom line is not that of pain. it's of eternal gratitude and love. he put himself in the line of fire for me. he had the easy alternative of leaving me open to him so many times but when shit got really rough, he never did cave in. i think about all i've put him through and he's right .. he's been my therapist way too often. the strain of it i can only imagine. i've had to be his therapist at times, listen to his harsh times and try to soothe him, console and comfort. it's been taxing but worth it. and in between i've had time to recooperate. but him? my barrage of agony has been constant.
.. but i want him to know that it wasn't all in vain. i have become a better person because of him. a future opening for me where i didn't expect. if you told me 2 years ago that i was heading for Law School i would have laughed in your face and choked on what i was smoking. yet, this is the reality that i am.
the reality is that no matter how horrible i try to make Dave out to be, or no matter how much anyone may try to hate him .. you can't. you can't judge him and think about him because of the veneer you see. nobody is perfect but i'm not trying to justify some of his actions that have hurt. but i've seen past what he presents to others and fallen in love with what's underneath the shell. with the real him, who cares more than he'll ever let on and who hurts more than he'll ever confess.
and nothing can ever change how much i care and will care for him. nor will it change all the things he's done for me and all the tough times he's stood by my side. and neither will it change the fact that he's made an impact that will effect my whole life.
i'm not happy yet i hope one day i will be. i've been through a shit load but i damn near taste the fruits of paradise when i feel his love ..